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Nebraska legislators are planning to review the new Safe Haven law, which allows parents to drop children off at hospitals with no questions asked. Since its enactment stories have appeared that border being comical until you remember that this is not the movies or television and that children of all ages are being abandoned under this law. The original intent was to protect infants and small children and the lawmakers now want to refine the language to narrow the definition of ‘child’ but it seems as though they are ignoring the bigger problem…these parents need help.
Forcing parents to keep children that they feel ill-equipped to handle does not automatically improve the home life of these children or the parents. Providing better resources for the parents of teenagers and enhancing our education programs to expand understanding of the psychology of growing children is an obvious gap in our society. Go to the book store and peruse the ‘Child Care’ or ‘Family Care’ section. You will find row after row on pregnancy, infancy and the toddler years but far less on parenting tweens and teens. Society does not seem to place much importance on these years, apparently assuming that if you can survive the young years with your children you will get the hang of it and sail through the rest of their development.
Children between the ages of 10 and 18 (and beyond) have completely different needs, both emotionally and physically, and without assistance most parents are left to figure things out for themselves, which is just as irresponsible as dropping an infant at the doorstep of an older bachelor. He might muddle through and figure it out but he probably won’t and who will suffer? They both will.
This age group undergoes significant hormonal changes while simultaneously starting their quest for independence from their parents. The two combined are enough to make even a psychiatrist trained in adolescent behavior pull their hair out. Add feelings of abandonment by the parents and you now have a very volatile mix of emotions ready to explode with the slightest spark. It is little wonder that the divorce rate between couples with children peaks during these years, which only adds the domestic joy already being experienced in these homes.
I have two teenagers and have fared slightly better than their father at navigating the Wonder Years with them, but I had several advantages going into it:
- My parents raised me with a solid dose of common sense and being the youngest, they had already had their share of teenagers so there was little I could do to surprise or upset them.
- My own interest in psychology had led me to continuously strive to understand what is going through their minds.
- Communication is key regardless of how it is achieved. This is an area I have worked incredibly hard on with my children and continue to do so.
- I never was (and still am not) much of a baby person. Don’t get me wrong, I liked my children when they were babies and there is no smell quite as wonderful and a fresh-from-the-bath baby, but I just was not one of those mothers who cried when my children started school. I was the one cheering them on, proud of their progress, nervous for them but giving them the confidence to grow.
- I expected them to make me insane at some point in my life.
So, yeah, I was lucky but not all parents are like me and unless Nebraska and other states start providing better resources for parents of growing children the problem will only worsen. We can blame any medium we want, but in the end we are responsible for these children and it is in our best interest to improve understanding and provide coping skills.
Here are a few resources online but I honestly think we need more hands on effort:
Free Parenting Resources for Raising Tweens and Teens
Tweens and Teens News
The Everything Parenting a Teenager Book
And any book written by Louise Bates Ames or something similar on child development. I was never much into the ‘advice’ books but I certainly appreciated a wider, more comprehensive understanding of the psychology of a child’s mind at different stages and this more than anything helped me to tailor my parenting to my children.
Any other suggestions on how to improve this growing problem would be greatly appreciated – if we do not help one another, no one will.
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I think you hit the nail on the head. Something has to be done to help the children and the parents. There are not enough resources out there, and the few that are there are hard to find. My daughter has been hospitalized and detained several times. some days i don’t know what to do next. I love her, and wouldn’t abandon her, but i have some support from local resources. Others don’t. This problem in Nebraska is a wake up call to Americans. It is not all about bad kids and lazy parents. I know.
jjt1 – It most certainly is not about bad kids and lazy parents – quite often the opposite. Many parents care but feel overwhelmed by the task of raising the over 10 crowd and who can blame them? I think many of the kids care too but become steeped in their private battles with hormones, confidence and peer pressure so the act out against the one force in their lives that has remained steady – their parents. It sounds like you have first hand experience in just how difficult this can become and I am glad to hear you have at least some resources to help.
It just seems to me that when a mother becomes pregnant she is inundated with ‘help’ regarding the baby but there is little information given regarding what to do as that child ages. Attempting to raise responsible adults when we ourselves don’t feel much like responsible adults is not a good idea and rather than sweeping the issue under the rug I would love to see more programs available – even if it is to the point of saturation as it is with infants and babies. The more options the better.